Time to lay it all out there...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Hey Ladies ~

So while I know this blog is to help track our eating & exercise it's also a way to connect with each other and to support and help each other live healthier lives all around. Today I'm using this blog as a way to release some of what's been inside me the past couple of months.

It's been no secret that I've been struggling with this whole eating healthy/losing weight thing lately. It's a tough thing to do and it's just that much harder for me being bigger than everyone else. It's so easy to put the weight on but so hard to get it to come off and it's seriously a daily struggle just to even want to try. That being said, I fully realize that it's all relative and it's a battle each person has to deal with in their own way.

Lately, I've had a lot of things going on in my life, both personal & career-wise, that I've been struggling with and for the most part have been internalizing. I feel like there are so many more important and difficult struggles out there and I haven't wanted to burden others with my issues. I think keeping it in and letting it all stew has in turn made me a bit reluctant to really get back to being healthy not only with eating and exercise but with every other aspect of my life. I know I've posted that I'm ready to try but my "let's do it" attitude was all a front. I was pretty close to giving up in all areas of my life and just not caring anymore (don't worry I wasn't gonna hurt myself). I was just starting to feel like there was no point in even trying or even wanting to try for fear of being disappointed and unsatisfied with the results.

Keeping my issues and feelings bottled up inside was slowly eating away at me. It lead me to start smoking cigarettes again as a means of "release". I wasn't smoking packs a day but 1 or 2 a day is still more than I should have been. I didn't tell anyone that I was doing this again because I knew the reaction I would get with that admission and I didn't want to hear it on top of everything else I was dealing with. And knowing that it's bad for me but to the point of not caring about myself anymore didn't help either. But sometimes keeping things to yourself will only hurt you and make you feel lonelier in your struggles rather than help you work through them. We all need people in our lives who can be there to listen and give advice but we need to be able to ask for help too.

However, sometimes even without asking, our true friends can get it out of us anyway. =) I want to extend a special thanks to Reese & Laura (and the wine) for prying it out of me whether I was ready to or not.
I'm a practical person and I know that talking things out is always more helpful but I've been resisting it for so long it was hard to be willing to do it. After our talk I realized that part of this lack of motivation in all areas of my life is also laziness. It's so much easier to complain and make excuses but not do anything to change things. I've always been one to say that I HATE when people complain about things and don't do anything to change them and here I was turning into that type of person. I may have been a little reluctant last night but after sleeping on it I am ready for this and ready to accept your help. It will be a struggle but knowing I have the support I do will make it easier to face. You are both going above and beyond for me and for that I truly thank you.

I'm not going to get into all the details of things I've been struggling with right now but I want you all to know that each of you has been there for me in different ways throughout these past months and I want to thank you all for that as well.

I'm going to make a vow now to really try to love myself and make myself happy and not worry about everything else around me. It's going to be hard because I tend to be a bit self-deprecating but I'm ready to make the effort. And...with the support of all of my fabulous friends...I KNOW it won't be a losing battle. =)

I love you ALL!



Ang said...

awe.. Lisa, =( I am so sorry that you are dealing with what ever demands you are fighting...I will kick their @$$ too!!! =) I am here along with T and L for helping you through all the tough times and the fun times too. I know what you mean about being one of those people that complain but never do anything.. =( no me guest... I am talking the talk and walking the walk, and I will help you and everyone with that too... When ever you need anything, we all are a phone call away...WAY TO TO T and L for yanking it out of Leese!!! That what us girls are for!! LOVE YOU!

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